Thoughts & Rants

Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Coconut Oil.

I’d like to introduce to you the many joys of coconut oil.

First and foremost, what you need is extra-virgin, extra-unrefined, extra-organic coconut oil. You want that shit extra fresh and untouched.

Perfect Coconut Oil Hairmask:

  1. Open your jar of coconut oil
  2. Take a good ol’ whiff of your new bestie in a bottle
  3. Reach to the heavens and yell “DAAAAAAMNNNNN” because it’s just so fresh
  4. Take a huge slab of coconut oil and spread it all over your hair
  5. All over. Keep spreading. Work it girl. You’re flawless.
  6. Okay okay now STOP
  7. Sleep on it, do your thing, whatever, just wash it out with shampoo tomorrow morning or in a few hours. Your hair will thank you.

Perfect Coconut Oil for Face and Neck and All Over:

  1. Repeat steps 1-3 from the Perfect Coconut Oil Hairmask™
  2. Grab some of that fresh to death oil and put it on your face and neck and the rest of your body if you feel being hugged by a warm blanket of that dreamy coconut oil.
  3. Massage it in and let your skin soak up that good Vitamin K and E
  4. Make sure you don’t get it in your eyes because who knows what would happen then
  5. Go out into the world and show off your new soft AF and good lookin’ skin
  6. Also take a good look at your nails because honey, they look better

Other uses of coconut oil:

Cooking: Use as an oil for cooking. Show up your snobby neighbour Susie with a better french toast at this Sunday’s Upper-Middle-Class-American-Dream-almost-like-Desperate-Housewives-but-not-quite-Brunch. Coconut oil can withstand high heat and not burn like its friend Olive Oil does. (Sorry olive oil, but I had to say it. You know it’s for the best.)

Oil Pulling: You’re thinking, WTF is that? Well ladies and gents, it’s monumental. Just swish a tablespoon of coconut oil in your mouth for a long and uncomfortable 20 minutes and it draws out toxins and improves your oral and overall health. (We think.)

In Your Coffee: I’ve never tried this, but some people have. What do you have to lose? Be brave, be adventurous, try something new home-girl!

Ingest It: A-tablespoon-a-day helps with mental health and allergy symptoms apparently. Those saturated fats are a true friend to your brain.

Everything Else in Life: Literally everything. You want that job promotion? Use coconut oil. You want to get married while your 30 flirty and thriving? Use coconut oil. Coconut Oil solves problems. Coconut Oil is the answer to your prayers. Coconut Oil is here for you.

When in doubt, coconut oil it out.

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